Talking to Kids about Disabilities

At a certain age, usually as toddlers and preschoolers, children begin sizing up the differences between themselves and the people around them. They notice age, gender, hair color and other physical characteristics—and they ask questions about what they don’t understand. 

These questions can get tough for parents when the topic turns to differences in physical or cognitive abilities. 

What’s that boy doing in a wheelchair? 

Why doesn’t she look at me when I talk to her? 

Being curious about disabilities is okay; being hurtful is not. Talking to kids about disabilities is an opportunity to teach this lesson.

Here are some points to keep in mind when talking to a child about people with disabilities:

-Put the person first. 

Make it clear that the person is more than just the disability. Saying “disabled Ben” makes Ben a lot more one-dimensional than saying “Ben, who uses a wheelchair to get around.” Similarly, talking about “Sally, who has autism,” is more respectful than referring to the girl as “autistic Sally.” 

It’s subtle, but it makes a difference. Kids notice everything. When you talk to a child about people with disabilities, the way you frame the conversation can influence how the child perceives the people and the disabilities.

-Teach and learn.

When a child asks why a person who is disabled acts the way he or she does, take the opportunity to teach about the disability, beyond just giving it a name. 

A kid might ask why Alex blinks a lot and grunts in class sometimes. One answer could be, “because Alex has Tourette syndrome.” A better answer would continue and explain that Tourette syndrome is a brain disorder that causes people to make noises and movements when they don’t mean to. Explain that it is something a person is born with, and that your child does not need to be afraid of Alex or Tourette syndrome.

If you don’t know the answer, say so and then find out. This is a great chance to do some guided research with your child. The U.S. National Library of Medicine’s website (medlineplus.gov) is a trusted source on the Internet for learning about many disabilities. Talk about what you learn and ask your child if he or she has more questions or concerns.

-Whenever possible, teach respect.

For a lot of folks, conversations with kids about disabilities start at inopportune times. Like in line at a grocery store when a kid asks, “why does that man have plastic hand?”

It doesn’t need to be this way.

You don’t have to wait for a child to ask to start a dialogue about disabilities. Find teachable moments around you. Do you have family members or friends with disabilities? Have you seen a person with disabilities on television or in a book? Emphasize with your child what he or she notices about similarities, not just differences. Ask your child what the person with the disability is very good at or what makes them fun to be around. This reinforces that a person is more than his or her disability.

If you see a person with a disability being treated differently, ask your child how he or she feels about it. Stress that name-calling and teasing can be very painful. You can also teach your child that at some point in their lives, many people experience a disability of some kind, such as a temporary disability related to illness or injury. This might help a child to understand that a disability doesn’t define a person.

If your child politely asks someone about his or her disability, let that person explain it if possible. Allowing people to speak for themselves is a great way of showing respect.