Talking and Teaching About Self-Confidence

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Self-confidence is the belief in one’s abilities. While children gain self-confidence from experiencing success in various areas such as academic, athletic, artistic or social achievements, the first place that children learn to believe in themselves is at home. Parents have a critical role in helping children develop self-confidence and there are many things you can do to help.

First, it's important to be aware of signs of low self-confidence. If you notice that your child exhibits the following behaviors, this may be an indicator that they have low self-confidence:

• Avoids a task or challenge without even trying. This often signals a fear of failure or a sense of helplessness.

• Quits soon after beginning a game or a task, giving up at the first sign of frustration.

• Makes excuses ("The teacher is dumb") or downplays the importance of events ("I don't really like that game anyway").

• Makes self-critical comments, such as "I never do anything right," "Nobody likes me,” or “I’m ugly.”

Here are some ways parents can help boost their child’s self-confidence:

Develop Self Confidence in Your Kids

Spend Time With Your Child. Set aside "special times" during the week when you can spend time alone with each one of your children. Make sure to turn off your cell phones/blackberries/iPads during this time so they know that this time is just for them.

Help Your Child Feel Appreciated. Surprise your child with little “love notes” in his/her lunch box, backpack or pants pockets. If he/she is having a bad day at school, a note letting your child know they are loved can make all the difference.

Let your child struggle. While it can be tempting to help a child who is struggling to tie a shoe, open a box, or spell a word, allowing a child to accomplish it themselves helps build self-confidence. Doing it for them can create a sense of dependence and learned helplessness.

Catch your child being good. Parents are quick to scold children when they are doing something wrong, but are less likely to acknowledge when children are doing something right.  Make a point to notice such behaviors as cleaning up, being patient, and being helpful.


Talk About Self-Confidence With Your Kids

Give Verbal Reinforcement. When your child has learned a new skill or overcome a challenge, statements such as “You figured it out!” help a child to believe that they are capable. This often leads to your child reinforcing themselves with statements such as “I did it!”. 
 
Be honest and don’t over-do it. Some parents praise their children for everything they do, whether it’s merited or not. (Think about the tone-deaf singer at the singing auditions who was told all her life that she has an incredible voice.) If your child shows you his picture, don’t just automatically say “It’s beautiful!”. Instead, point out specific things that you notice about the picture, such as “You used a lot of beautiful bright colors.” Your child will be more apt to believe you if your praise is sincere. 

Challenge negative self-talk. When you hear your child putting himself or herself down, teach him to talk back to those negative statements. For example, if your child is struggling with math homework and exclaims, “I’m so dumb! I’m never going to get this!”, teach him to challenge those statements. You might say, “You are not dumb. You are smart at so many things, like spelling and social studies. Math is just a bit tougher for you, but I know you will get it with practice.”  

Read all about it. Read books that have lessons about self-confidence such as “The Little Engine That Could” and “Don’t Feed The Monster on Tuesdays: The Children’s Self-Esteem Book.” When a child can relate to a character in a story, this helps to reinforce the message and provides another opportunity for a teachable moment.